Category Archives: depression

The dog days of depression

We recently bought a dog.  He is a Bernese Mountain Dog.  His name is Sebastian Augustus:

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Yes, he’s crazy cute.  Yes, we have an over-the-top approach to names.  Ask our children about that when they’re adults!  And yes, he will be a lot of work, cost money, etc., etc., etc.  I know.  Believe me I know.  We got him because we’ve always wanted a dog, because the kids wanted a dog, and because the timing and the price was right.

I have to admit, however, that I was a little taken aback by one of the side benefits of getting a dog.  I’ve read elsewhere that having an animal call help with depression.  Perhaps you’ve heard of service animals, that go into nursing homes or hospitals to help cheer up the sick.  I am beginning to wonder if we shouldn’t create a category of service animals for the clinically depressed.

What I have found thus far is that owning an animal has filled a niche that I didn’t know existed.  A dog just wants to be with you, loves unconditionally, and (despite some occasional poop) is generally pretty easy to care for.  I expect that will change somewhat as he gets bigger.  But right now, I’m enjoying things for what they are.  He’s helped me exercise, spend less time on the computer (always a good thing in my case), and has really lifted my mood in a very different way than all of my usual tricks.

So am I crazy?  How has your animal helped you?  How might this fit into a treatment plan for helping the clinically depressed?

-DMR

Playing Doctor (Down the Rabbit Hole)

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When I start to go down the rabbit hole into the darkness, what really makes me crazy is my own apparent need to play amateur doctor. I go through this crazy process of navel gazing, where each element, each feeling, each real or imagined failure is put under the microscope of my mind.

My mind does not have very good bedside manners. My mind cuts me no slack, gives me no room for reasonableness. There are no explanations to my mind that really matter. Sometimes I think my mind IS the sickness. My mind IS the Law, always pointing the finger, always accusing, always driving me into the depth of guilt and despair.

  • It doesn’t matter that it’s Lent.
  • It doesn’t matter that my grandmother died two weeks ago and that I missed a week of work.
  • It doesn’t matter that Good Friday is the absolute worst day of the year for me emotionally, as it is the anniversary of my real trip down the road of despair and death four years ago.
  • It doesn’t matter that I have four kids who love me, and who want nothing more than to crawl inside my skin. That level of closeness is occasionally a little hard to take.
  • It doesn’t matter that our school is moving, finances are tough at church and home, and that each bit of that creates one more level of pressure on my already weakened mind.

What my mind tells me is that every single time something doesn’t go right, every single time when I fail to love as I ought or serve as I ought, that every single time I lose my temper or act like a jerk, that this is just one more sign that I am not worthy to be in the Office, or in my marriage, or really on planet earth at all.
And of course, as far as it goes, my mind is right.

But.

My mind forgets the Gospel. My mind forgets that God loves me, that His Son died for me, and that I am baptized. My mind forgets that my identity is not shaped by my failures, or my illness, but by Jesus.

I need to stop listening to my mind and start listening to Jesus. I like His Words a lot better than my own.

-DMR

Melancholy is the devil's bath

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Melancholia balneum diaboli

I have been doing a peer review of a fantastic book by a 17th century theologian named Herberger. I pray that this volume will be published by CPH or someone else within the next year, because it is packed full of wisdom from God’s Word. Nearly every page seems to be full of gems like this one:

To have a sick heart is the greatest trouble on earth. Many may have not a single sick soul in the house, but in the breast there is a sickbed in which an ailing heart lies, letting out great groans. There laughter is stifled. Hence St. Paul calls it “Satan’s messenger”; for “the devil truly avails himself of the melancholy of the pious.” Melancholia balneum diaboli. He climbs on top of what is cast down, and pours out more onto what is already soaked, just like a true sadist. He turns a little infraction into a great, terrifying sin unto death. He has to do everything to the extreme: out of a speck of dust floating in the sunbeam he makes a huge mountain. He sharpens all thoughts into daggers and spits for the heart, making man to despair of bringing out the best of the situation.

We have certainly reflected long and hard here the relationship between physical depression and spiritual distress. Here Herberger seems to have an understanding of this hundreds of years ago. Depression is the playground or bath in which the devil loves to work. Depression turns us inward, makes us overfocus and blow every little setback so far out of proportion that is hardly recognizable. Depression can easily lead us to despair even of our very lives.

But Christ calls us back from peering over the edge. There is a sickness, but it is not unto death. There are problems, but they can be overcome. No matter what the difficulty you face, whether it is personal, financial, medical or spiritual, Christ is with you. He will see you through it.

Thanks, Doctor Herberger. Your words bring into focus how God can use these things to our benefit. We pray with you:

“O my dear Lord Jesus Christ, who said: ‘Pray, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you’; by virtue of this Your promise, O Lord, grant to me who pray not for gold or silver, but for a strong, firm faith. Let me find, for I seek not pleasure or worldly joy, but comfort and new life through Your blessed, comforting, wholesome word. Open unto me who knock. Nothing do I desire that the world counts great and high, for by such I am not made a hair’s breadth better before You: Instead, give me Your Holy Spirit to illumine my heart, strengthen and comfort me in my anguish and distress, preserve me in true faith and trust in Your grace until my end. Amen.”

His name is Emannuel

This has been a more eventful Advent and Christmastide than usual in the Peperkorn household. As you may have heard, we were (surprised and) overjoyed at the end of October to discover that Kathryn was pregnant. Our joy was turned to sorrow in mid-December as we learned that she had lost the baby.

It’s really hard to even describe this experience. The span of emotions, the sorrow, guilt, anger, frustration, and strange relief all rush together in one big glob of pain that is almost overwhelming. Miscarriages are so odd in our culture, because there is a sense where A) We shouldn’t talk about it; B) If we do talk about it, to try and minimize it; or C) To OVER engage the whole process, as though this is an opportunity to make some religious or political statement about abortion.

Kathryn and I lost a child (Nadia) four years ago, and so I thought this would ease the pain, or at least our understanding of the pain. But that is just not the case. Each grief is its own. Just as each child is different, so the loss of each child is different, even a child only eight weeks old.

Part of Kathryn’s fear I think is that I will fall into another depression. Nadia’s death was the beginning of a long downward slope for me last time, so that’s a pretty reasonable fear on her part. It is so easy in this life to take one tragic event and allow it to escalate into a holocaust.

But it does not have to be so. Past history does not guarantee future events. While it may be a decent predictor sometimes, it can also serve to create self-fulfilling prophecies. There are a lot of things different from four years ago for us:

1. We are much more aware of God’s mercy in taking are of our family. He has seen us through this and more.

2. We are both more aware of our medical needs, moods, and the “signs” when things aren’t going quite right.

3. Our support group(s) of family, friends, church, etc., has been wonderful. They were all good last time, too, but I think everyone is a little more aware of what’s happening now.

So be at peace, friends! The Lord is with you. I will be back in the swing of writing again soon.

-DMR

Advent: The Most Lutheran of Seasons

Lutherans are often portrayed as being a “Lent” sort of people. Somber, slow chorales. A generally dark disposition. Anyone who looks too cheerful and happy must be a charismatic or something. Yet, if anyone is too sad or (ahem) depressed, they must not know Jesus loves them. Sometimes it’s hard being Lutheran

Yet in comes the season of Advent! Advent, which it’s joyous and hopeful hymnody, yet penitential character, seems to me to reflect perfectly the paradox which is Lutheranism, and dare I say Christianity itself. We receive the Gifts now, but they are not here in their fulness. We look for the coming of the Savior, but we do so with both repentance and joy. Our readings for the season do not reflect simply a period of pre-Christmas. Rather, they focus on Jesus entrance into Jerusalem to die, his return in glory, and the preparation of repentance preached by John and all the prophets.

So as a Lutheran pastor who suffers from clinical depression, I find a great deal of joy in the season. In a chemically toned down sort of way, of course. The season reflects perfectly what it means for me to be a Christian today. I am torn between rejoicing in God’s gifts now and wanting it all to be over so we can get to the good stuff.

For most people suffering from depression, we are entering into the darkest period. It is winter, so less sunlight. It is the “holiday” season, so we have extended interaction with family, and all the conflict which inevitably ensues. For pastors, this is the start of the 3-4 busiest months of the year in terms of preaching and catechesis. EVERYTHING happens from December to early April. I always feel like I should get a medal after Easter.

Yet there is hope in this season. It stands in stark contrast to the fake and plastic joy of our culture. The hope which Christ offers is real, not contrived. There is an end, there is joy now, and Christ Himself is coming.

Be at peace, brothers and sisters. Our Lord is coming. Amen, even so, come Lord Jesus!

-DMR

Another Pastor's Suicide Sparks Conversation

Recently there was an article in USA Today about a pastor in the Carolinas who committed suicide. Here’s the article. I would urge you to go and read the entire article, but here is an except:

Those who counsel pastors say Christian culture, especially Southern evangelicalism, creates the perfect environment for depression. Pastors suffer in silence, unwilling or unable to seek help or even talk about it. Sometimes they leave the ministry. Occasionally the result is the unthinkable.

Experts say clergy suicide is a rare outcome to a common problem.

But Baptists in the Carolinas are soul searching after a spate of suicides and suicide attempts by pastors. In addition to the September suicide of David Treadway, two others in North Carolina attempted suicide, and three in South Carolina succeeded, all in the last four years.

Being a pastor — a high-profile, high-stress job with nearly impossible expectations for success — can send one down the road to depression, according to pastoral counselors.

For the most part the article is really quite good in nailing the problem. One sentence in particular really grabbed me:

Society still places a stigma on mental illness, but Christians make it worse, he said, by “over-spiritualizing” depression and other disorders — dismissing them as a lack of faith or a sign of weakness.

Isn’t that the truth! Christians are horrible at addressing mental illness, because we equate the mind with the soul, and presume that if someone has a mental illness that it is at the root a spiritual problem. Now I will be the first to grant that mental illness always has a spiritual component, but arguing that clinical depression or other mental illnesses are simply spiritual is irresponsible, and borders on a denial of the First Article.

God created us, body and soul. Because of sin, we feel the effects of the Fall throughout our entire existence, body and soul. It is entirely right to say that sickness and disease are the results of sin, but it is also true that God has given us many tools to heal, body and soul. The chief of these is the healing Word of God. But there are also many other methods of healing that God has provided, including medication, doctors, therapy, etc. Can these be misused or abused? You bet! At the same time, I would suggest that the “spiritual card” can also be horribly abused. If I tell someone who is mentally ill that they need to pray more, or spend more time in the Word, or come to Church, and that this will simply heal them apart from these other tools, I am saying that God only works through the Word and not at all through any other means. I’m not sure what to call that. But it isn’t right.

We pray for the families and congregation of this pastor, and hope that God will use this as an opportunity to bring healing and help to so many who are in need.

Be at peace,
DMR

On Confessing Your Illness

I recently had a conversation with someone that centered around the question of what to confess if you suffer from depression or other mental illnesses. So many of the symptoms which we face that are bio-chemical in origin also find their origin in our fallen nature. In other words, I can look at certain manifestations of my illness(es) as being the disease “talking” but at the same time it can be my sinful nature “talking”. Here are a few examples:

  • Laziness, sloth, incapacity to work
  • Boredom, lack of interest in anything, indifference
  • Isolation from others, unfriendliness, dislike of crowds
  • Inability to handle children

Now these are just a few examples. I think that any of those three categories could be easily attributed to sin or clinical depression/anxiety.

So what do you confess?

The real mess of depression and mental illness is that they are so intertwined. My general approach is that if you are in doubt, confess it. But it is also a matter of real pastoral care, so that when I am confessing something that isn’t sin, my pastor tells me that.

Probably the dilemma comes from the fact that when you are in the throes of the darkness, you aren’t in a position to be making subtle theological distinctions. I just want relief. And at some level, I don’t really care where it comes from. IT it comes from my pastor forgiving my sins, great. If it comes from my doctor or counselor reminding me that this is biochemical and not a character flaw, great.

So how do you approach this question?

The Ongoing Journey with Depression (book idea from Kleinig)

So what should the next book be about?

My wife and I had the pleasure of attending the last session in the DOXOLOGY training seminar this past weekend. The main speaker was Dr. John Kleinig from Australia, an incredible scholar and pastor whose insight into human nature and Christ’s ministry to us sinner is, well, just amazing.

We had dinner with him one night. He gets depression, understands it as well as anyone I know I’d say. The one thing that he suggested to me was to write a book about what it is like living with depression on a day to day basis. How does one recognize the signs? How does it impact your prayer life, your ministry to others, etc?

I’m letting the idea percolate right now, but I would like some insight from you. What would be the most helpful to you and why?

-DMR

Peperkorn on WGTD 91.1 in Kenosha

10DA9D46-4150-4216-AB39-9438457962A4.jpgMr. Greg Berg has a wonderful talk show program in Kenosha called The Morning Show. It’s a great program that I enjoy listening to quite often.

This coming Wednesday, Sept. 16, I will be his guest on the program. We’re going to be talking about the book, I Trust When Dark My Road, how this impacts pastors and laity, and what family and friends can do to help. I think it will be lots of fun.

If you live in the area, please make a point of trying to tune in to 91.1 at 8:10 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 16. They also have it available in both low and high bandwidth online live. CLICK HERE and look in the top right corner.

They have archives and will have it available online after the fact, and I will also post a link to it then.

Let me know if you heard it!

-DMR