I Trust When Dark My Road

Melancholia balneum diaboli

I have been doing a peer review of a fantastic book by a 17th century theologian named Herberger. I pray that this volume will be published by CPH or someone else within the next year, because it is packed full of wisdom from God’s Word. Nearly every page seems to be full of gems like this one:

To have a sick heart is the greatest trouble on earth. Many may have not a single sick soul in the house, but in the breast there is a sickbed in which an ailing heart lies, letting out great groans. There laughter is stifled. Hence St. Paul calls it “Satan’s messenger”; for “the devil truly avails himself of the melancholy of the pious.” Melancholia balneum diaboli. He climbs on top of what is cast down, and pours out more onto what is already soaked, just like a true sadist. He turns a little infraction into a great, terrifying sin unto death. He has to do everything to the extreme: out of a speck of dust floating in the sunbeam he makes a huge mountain. He sharpens all thoughts into daggers and spits for the heart, making man to despair of bringing out the best of the situation.

We have certainly reflected long and hard here the relationship between physical depression and spiritual distress. Here Herberger seems to have an understanding of this hundreds of years ago. Depression is the playground or bath in which the devil loves to work. Depression turns us inward, makes us overfocus and blow every little setback so far out of proportion that is hardly recognizable. Depression can easily lead us to despair even of our very lives.

But Christ calls us back from peering over the edge. There is a sickness, but it is not unto death. There are problems, but they can be overcome. No matter what the difficulty you face, whether it is personal, financial, medical or spiritual, Christ is with you. He will see you through it.

Thanks, Doctor Herberger. Your words bring into focus how God can use these things to our benefit. We pray with you:

“O my dear Lord Jesus Christ, who said: ‘Pray, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you’; by virtue of this Your promise, O Lord, grant to me who pray not for gold or silver, but for a strong, firm faith. Let me find, for I seek not pleasure or worldly joy, but comfort and new life through Your blessed, comforting, wholesome word. Open unto me who knock. Nothing do I desire that the world counts great and high, for by such I am not made a hair’s breadth better before You: Instead, give me Your Holy Spirit to illumine my heart, strengthen and comfort me in my anguish and distress, preserve me in true faith and trust in Your grace until my end. Amen.”

This has been a more eventful Advent and Christmastide than usual in the Peperkorn household. As you may have heard, we were (surprised and) overjoyed at the end of October to discover that Kathryn was pregnant. Our joy was turned to sorrow in mid-December as we learned that she had lost the baby.

It’s really hard to even describe this experience. The span of emotions, the sorrow, guilt, anger, frustration, and strange relief all rush together in one big glob of pain that is almost overwhelming. Miscarriages are so odd in our culture, because there is a sense where A) We shouldn’t talk about it; B) If we do talk about it, to try and minimize it; or C) To OVER engage the whole process, as though this is an opportunity to make some religious or political statement about abortion.

Kathryn and I lost a child (Nadia) four years ago, and so I thought this would ease the pain, or at least our understanding of the pain. But that is just not the case. Each grief is its own. Just as each child is different, so the loss of each child is different, even a child only eight weeks old.

Part of Kathryn’s fear I think is that I will fall into another depression. Nadia’s death was the beginning of a long downward slope for me last time, so that’s a pretty reasonable fear on her part. It is so easy in this life to take one tragic event and allow it to escalate into a holocaust.

But it does not have to be so. Past history does not guarantee future events. While it may be a decent predictor sometimes, it can also serve to create self-fulfilling prophecies. There are a lot of things different from four years ago for us:

1. We are much more aware of God’s mercy in taking are of our family. He has seen us through this and more.

2. We are both more aware of our medical needs, moods, and the “signs” when things aren’t going quite right.

3. Our support group(s) of family, friends, church, etc., has been wonderful. They were all good last time, too, but I think everyone is a little more aware of what’s happening now.

So be at peace, friends! The Lord is with you. I will be back in the swing of writing again soon.

-DMR

Lutherans are often portrayed as being a “Lent” sort of people. Somber, slow chorales. A generally dark disposition. Anyone who looks too cheerful and happy must be a charismatic or something. Yet, if anyone is too sad or (ahem) depressed, they must not know Jesus loves them. Sometimes it’s hard being Lutheran

Yet in comes the season of Advent! Advent, which it’s joyous and hopeful hymnody, yet penitential character, seems to me to reflect perfectly the paradox which is Lutheranism, and dare I say Christianity itself. We receive the Gifts now, but they are not here in their fulness. We look for the coming of the Savior, but we do so with both repentance and joy. Our readings for the season do not reflect simply a period of pre-Christmas. Rather, they focus on Jesus entrance into Jerusalem to die, his return in glory, and the preparation of repentance preached by John and all the prophets.

So as a Lutheran pastor who suffers from clinical depression, I find a great deal of joy in the season. In a chemically toned down sort of way, of course. The season reflects perfectly what it means for me to be a Christian today. I am torn between rejoicing in God’s gifts now and wanting it all to be over so we can get to the good stuff.

For most people suffering from depression, we are entering into the darkest period. It is winter, so less sunlight. It is the “holiday” season, so we have extended interaction with family, and all the conflict which inevitably ensues. For pastors, this is the start of the 3-4 busiest months of the year in terms of preaching and catechesis. EVERYTHING happens from December to early April. I always feel like I should get a medal after Easter.

Yet there is hope in this season. It stands in stark contrast to the fake and plastic joy of our culture. The hope which Christ offers is real, not contrived. There is an end, there is joy now, and Christ Himself is coming.

Be at peace, brothers and sisters. Our Lord is coming. Amen, even so, come Lord Jesus!

-DMR

Recently there was an article in USA Today about a pastor in the Carolinas who committed suicide. Here’s the article. I would urge you to go and read the entire article, but here is an except:

Those who counsel pastors say Christian culture, especially Southern evangelicalism, creates the perfect environment for depression. Pastors suffer in silence, unwilling or unable to seek help or even talk about it. Sometimes they leave the ministry. Occasionally the result is the unthinkable.

Experts say clergy suicide is a rare outcome to a common problem.

But Baptists in the Carolinas are soul searching after a spate of suicides and suicide attempts by pastors. In addition to the September suicide of David Treadway, two others in North Carolina attempted suicide, and three in South Carolina succeeded, all in the last four years.

Being a pastor — a high-profile, high-stress job with nearly impossible expectations for success — can send one down the road to depression, according to pastoral counselors.

For the most part the article is really quite good in nailing the problem. One sentence in particular really grabbed me:

Society still places a stigma on mental illness, but Christians make it worse, he said, by “over-spiritualizing” depression and other disorders — dismissing them as a lack of faith or a sign of weakness.

Isn’t that the truth! Christians are horrible at addressing mental illness, because we equate the mind with the soul, and presume that if someone has a mental illness that it is at the root a spiritual problem. Now I will be the first to grant that mental illness always has a spiritual component, but arguing that clinical depression or other mental illnesses are simply spiritual is irresponsible, and borders on a denial of the First Article.

God created us, body and soul. Because of sin, we feel the effects of the Fall throughout our entire existence, body and soul. It is entirely right to say that sickness and disease are the results of sin, but it is also true that God has given us many tools to heal, body and soul. The chief of these is the healing Word of God. But there are also many other methods of healing that God has provided, including medication, doctors, therapy, etc. Can these be misused or abused? You bet! At the same time, I would suggest that the “spiritual card” can also be horribly abused. If I tell someone who is mentally ill that they need to pray more, or spend more time in the Word, or come to Church, and that this will simply heal them apart from these other tools, I am saying that God only works through the Word and not at all through any other means. I’m not sure what to call that. But it isn’t right.

We pray for the families and congregation of this pastor, and hope that God will use this as an opportunity to bring healing and help to so many who are in need.

Be at peace,
DMR

I recently had a conversation with someone that centered around the question of what to confess if you suffer from depression or other mental illnesses. So many of the symptoms which we face that are bio-chemical in origin also find their origin in our fallen nature. In other words, I can look at certain manifestations of my illness(es) as being the disease “talking” but at the same time it can be my sinful nature “talking”. Here are a few examples:

• Laziness, sloth, incapacity to work
• Boredom, lack of interest in anything, indifference
• Isolation from others, unfriendliness, dislike of crowds
• Inability to handle children

Now these are just a few examples. I think that any of those three categories could be easily attributed to sin or clinical depression/anxiety.

So what do you confess?

The real mess of depression and mental illness is that they are so intertwined. My general approach is that if you are in doubt, confess it. But it is also a matter of real pastoral care, so that when I am confessing something that isn’t sin, my pastor tells me that.

Probably the dilemma comes from the fact that when you are in the throes of the darkness, you aren’t in a position to be making subtle theological distinctions. I just want relief. And at some level, I don’t really care where it comes from. IT it comes from my pastor forgiving my sins, great. If it comes from my doctor or counselor reminding me that this is biochemical and not a character flaw, great.

So how do you approach this question?

THIS IS THE LINK to my interview on WGTD 91.1 in Kenosha. It’s a nice 50 minute interview about depression, spring-boarding from the book. Enjoy!

-DMR

So what should the next book be about?

My wife and I had the pleasure of attending the last session in the DOXOLOGY training seminar this past weekend. The main speaker was Dr. John Kleinig from Australia, an incredible scholar and pastor whose insight into human nature and Christ’s ministry to us sinner is, well, just amazing.

We had dinner with him one night. He gets depression, understands it as well as anyone I know I’d say. The one thing that he suggested to me was to write a book about what it is like living with depression on a day to day basis. How does one recognize the signs? How does it impact your prayer life, your ministry to others, etc?

I’m letting the idea percolate right now, but I would like some insight from you. What would be the most helpful to you and why?

-DMR

Mr. Greg Berg has a wonderful talk show program in Kenosha called The Morning Show. It’s a great program that I enjoy listening to quite often.

This coming Wednesday, Sept. 16, I will be his guest on the program. We’re going to be talking about the book, I Trust When Dark My Road, how this impacts pastors and laity, and what family and friends can do to help. I think it will be lots of fun.

If you live in the area, please make a point of trying to tune in to 91.1 at 8:10 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 16. They also have it available in both low and high bandwidth online live. CLICK HERE and look in the top right corner.

They have archives and will have it available online after the fact, and I will also post a link to it then.

Let me know if you heard it!

-DMR

We are back from vacation and I am looking at mounds upon piles upon loads of things that all have to get done RIGHT NOW. Everything is a priority when you get back in the groove of things. As I have started to work through the piles on my desk, the books in my “to read” stack, and all of the stuff in my various inboxes, my general inclination is quite simple:

HIDE!!!

I don’t think this is unique to those who suffer from depression, but that does make things worse. When you have a lot of things to do, with many different responsibilities that often compete with one another, it is very easy to go into shut-down mode and not be able to get off the ground.

How do you move forward? Here are a few things that work for me:

1. Recognize what’s going on and be honest about it.
2. Try to gather everything that has to get done into one place, one list, so that it is all there and there aren’t any loose ends niggling at your mind.
3. Try to prioritize as much as reasonably possible what has to get done when.
4. Work it down to manageable chunks of what you can actually DO.
5. Start on the list.
6. Breathe and remember that you are one person, not a god. You can only do what you are able to do.

That’s what comes to my mind. What’s in yours?

Every year for a while in the summertime I take my pastor hat off and put on my “Kathryn’s husband” hat on. My wife is the artistic director for an arts organization called SouthEast Wisconsin Performing Arts (SEWPA). Their flagship program is called Opera ala Carte, and involves about 30 high school and college students, 30 elementary students, a dozen dancers, and about a bazillion volunteers. This year they did an amazing production of The Fairy Queen by Henry Purcell and The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert & Sullivan.

It pretty much consumes the Peperkorn household for about a month and a half. It is also more fun than one family ought to be allowed to have. Between building sets, singing, working on publicity, parades, and heaven knows what else, we all get in the act somewhere.

But it’s all over now. The kids are heading back to school or off to college. Things slowly return to normal. The sets are struck, the paperwork is coming, etc., etc., etc.

How depressing.

This has also gotten me thinking of how much this mirrors the life of the pastor. We go through cycles and periods of intense work and preparation, where it culminates and is then over in a short period of time. Lent. Easter. Advent. Christmas. VBS. This is interspersed with the daily work of the office that never ends (calls, weekly services, bible class, etc).

How do you manage these cycles so that they can have their own fulfillment, yet at the same time continue to look forward to what is coming next? I have a pretty obsessive personality, so it is easy for me to immerse myself in an event or an emergency or a place. What is hard for me is the daily grind. If I don’t have some big thing coming, I get bored, which makes me depressed.

How do you manage these fine lines of time and energy? Do you think there is a comparison here?