Category Archives: anxiety

Coming Down (going off depression medication)

Do Not Feed the Fear

So I have now been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for over two years. My current cocktail (zoloft/sertraline, welbutrin, and clonazapam) has been fairly steady for over a year. Things are going well for the most part, so I am starting to wean myself off of the medications.

The concept is both exciting and terrifying.

When I started taking all of this stuff, I was in a very desperate position. There were few options. It was medication or check myself into a hospital. I’m glad that I made the decision to go on this medication, as it has allowed me to live and regain some semblance of normalcy.

Having said that, there is no doubt that you also lose something by taking anti-depressants and anxiety medication. The lows aren’t nearly as low, but the highs aren’t as high, either. The anxiety medication makes it so that I don’t feel claustrophobic, but it also just makes you a little dulled to the world around you. I feel like I have been tired for two years, and that I don’t even remember what it is like to be fully awake.

I am excited to start the process of going off of them, but I’m also scared. They have served as a safety net for a long time. They are one of the earthly causes to my ongoing healing. I don’t want to go off of them, because I don’t want to go back to where I was. But I don’t want to stay where I am, either.

So there is the dilemma. I can’t stay where I am, but I can’t go forward either.

Well, actually I can. By the mercy of God, I can start this process of going off medication. The absolute worst thing that happens is that I go back it/them for a time. I am baptized. My inheritance is sure, and my future is as certain as Jesus’ death and His words, “for you”.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

-DMR

Anxiety, Depression and Preaching

I’ve seen a number of comments about the ongoing anxiety of preaching. I know preachers who throw up before every service. I know preachers who haven’t loved it for years. Preaching, if it is done right, is profoundly self-exposing. Preachers who know their people must know themselves, the depths of their own sin. These who preach to their congregation best probably preach to (sometimes against) themselves first.

So what does this mean for the preacher who has a mental illness like generalized anxiety disorder or clinical depression? Therein lies the rub. Continue reading Anxiety, Depression and Preaching

Medication or Meditation: Was ist Das?

One of our gentle writes asked me to write a little about meditation vs. medication. If you read much in the way of comments here, you will find that many of the readers here have a much lower view of pharmacology and medication that I do. That’s okay, I can take the heat.

One does not have to do much research to discover that there is a whole field of study on the relationship between meditation and depression. Some of the articles I found after a quick search are HERE, HERE and HERE. One of the things we have to establish is what is really meant by meditation.

Meditation can mean everything from yoga, visualization techniques, Cognitive Therapy (my personal favorite), and a world of other types of meditation that may or may not have a religious element to them. Probably the common element among them is using some method to cleanse or clear the mind, to focus on one thing, and through this process to change one’s thinking. I won’t claim to be an expert on non-Western forms of meditation, but I know just enough to be dangerous.

Here are a few preliminary observations from a Lutheran perspective:

  • Evaluate whether the technique works within the framework of a religious system that is contrary to Christianity. Some types of meditation are benign; others have a totally skewed view of human spirit (usually a variation on denying original sin). Does the form of meditation have aspects of it that just don’t sit with the theology of the cross? Is meditation seen as a way of supplanting prayer?
  • What are the expectations of the writer/teacher/guide who is leading the meditation? If there is talk about being a disciple of a certain form, I would start to get nervous.
  • Does the form have history, is it established and recognized at least at some level by professionals in different fields? While this isn’t absolutely necessary, if something is written off as complete quackery, it may be because it is.

My therapist has used and is a proponent of cognitive therapy or cognitive reframing. We have also used some basic relaxation techniques to help deal with anxiety. I’ve found them both to be extremely helpful. Are they THE solution? No? Can they replace medication and other means of help? Not for me. If you don’t have the energy to get out of bed, it is very difficult to imagine having the energy to meditate, no matter how relaxing or liberating it may be. I can know something is good for me and still not be able to do it.

Anyway, those are a few initial thoughts. What are yours?

-DMR

Medication or Meditation: Was ist Das?

One of our gentle writes asked me to write a little about meditation vs. medication. If you read much in the way of comments here, you will find that many of the readers here have a much lower view of pharmacology and medication that I do. That’s okay, I can take the heat.

One does not have to do much research to discover that there is a whole field of study on the relationship between meditation and depression. Some of the articles I found after a quick search are HERE, HERE and HERE. One of the things we have to establish is what is really meant by meditation.

Meditation can mean everything from yoga, visualization techniques, Cognitive Therapy (my personal favorite), and a world of other types of meditation that may or may not have a religious element to them. Probably the common element among them is using some method to cleanse or clear the mind, to focus on one thing, and through this process to change one’s thinking. I won’t claim to be an expert on non-Western forms of meditation, but I know just enough to be dangerous.

Here are a few preliminary observations from a Lutheran perspective:

  • Evaluate whether the technique works within the framework of a religious system that is contrary to Christianity. Some types of meditation are benign; others have a totally skewed view of human spirit (usually a variation on denying original sin). Does the form of meditation have aspects of it that just don’t sit with the theology of the cross? Is meditation seen as a way of supplanting prayer?
  • What are the expectations of the writer/teacher/guide who is leading the meditation? If there is talk about being a disciple of a certain form, I would start to get nervous.
  • Does the form have history, is it established and recognized at least at some level by professionals in different fields? While this isn’t absolutely necessary, if something is written off as complete quackery, it may be because it is.

My therapist has used and is a proponent of cognitive therapy or cognitive reframing. We have also used some basic relaxation techniques to help deal with anxiety. I’ve found them both to be extremely helpful. Are they THE solution? No? Can they replace medication and other means of help? Not for me. If you don’t have the energy to get out of bed, it is very difficult to imagine having the energy to meditate, no matter how relaxing or liberating it may be. I can know something is good for me and still not be able to do it.

Anyway, those are a few initial thoughts. What are yours?

-DMR

These gray and latter days….


I hate the gray of winter. I hate it I hate it I hate it. There is something about the color gray that is just evil. Neither black nor white nor color, it is a continual reminder of the mush of our lives, and of how one thing blends into another so much that you can’t tell the difference.

Life. Family. Work. Play. For many they are hard to tell apart. And the busier we get the more those lines become blurred and (ugh) gray. Add to that a little obsessive compulsive tendencies and the easy possibility of becoming overwhelmed, and you have a recipe for an interesting month.

Most pastors will tell you that December and January are when most of the family problems come to a head in the parish, and that it is the time when everyone’s difficulties rise to the surface. This, too, has the effect of graying and mushing everything together, especially for the pastor.

Pastors (all bravado notwithstanding) are generally compassionate people. Pastors have a tendency to put on a tough exterior more as a self-defense mechanism than anything else.

I’m not really good at mechanisms right now. I take everything personally when I am under stress, even things that aren’t directed at me. It drives me batty, which also makes me crazy.

So what do you do when life is gray, stress is high, and things are crashing in upon you? I’d like to hear from you.

-DMR

PS Sorry this isn’t more upbeat and happy. Some posts are just like that.

These gray and latter days….


I hate the gray of winter. I hate it I hate it I hate it. There is something about the color gray that is just evil. Neither black nor white nor color, it is a continual reminder of the mush of our lives, and of how one thing blends into another so much that you can’t tell the difference.

Life. Family. Work. Play. For many they are hard to tell apart. And the busier we get the more those lines become blurred and (ugh) gray. Add to that a little obsessive compulsive tendencies and the easy possibility of becoming overwhelmed, and you have a recipe for an interesting month.

Most pastors will tell you that December and January are when most of the family problems come to a head in the parish, and that it is the time when everyone’s difficulties rise to the surface. This, too, has the effect of graying and mushing everything together, especially for the pastor.

Pastors (all bravado notwithstanding) are generally compassionate people. Pastors have a tendency to put on a tough exterior more as a self-defense mechanism than anything else.

I’m not really good at mechanisms right now. I take everything personally when I am under stress, even things that aren’t directed at me. It drives me batty, which also makes me crazy.

So what do you do when life is gray, stress is high, and things are crashing in upon you? I’d like to hear from you.

-DMR

PS Sorry this isn’t more upbeat and happy. Some posts are just like that.

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Depression


I can always tell when I’m getting over-stressed, depressed, or generally anxious about life. Why? Because I become obsessed about buying things. Sometimes they are things that we need as a family. Sometimes they are needed at church. Sometimes I just want them, good ole’ fashion covetousness.

Over the span of my illness I’ve found this as a returning theme. When things are out of control in my life, or I feel as though I’m losing a grip on reality, I find that buying stuff satisfies my compulsion for control, at least for a little while.

At the lowest point in my depression, I was spending money like Brad Pitt, buying whatever came to my mind whenever I wanted it. I always had a justification for it, because it helped my healing. Now insofar as having hobbies and distractions from everyday life is healthy (and it is), this whole process was and is a good thing, if kept in check. But it is when things to totally out of control that problems arise. Like massive credit card debt, allowing material things to serve as a barrier to those whom I love and tasks that I dread.

Add the grayness outside and the coming assault of winter, and you have a recipe for trouble.

Am I alone in this? I don’t think so. Given the rising credit card debt in our nation, and how depression means a void in fulfillment, this strikes me as a common problem afflicting Americans in general. We have the means to go 50k, 100k or more into debt quite easily, and I don’t mean by buying a house or a car.

So what do you do when you can tell the oncoming signs of coping mechanisms creeping their way in? Here’s a few tips.

  • Recognize them for what they are. This is your mind and body telling you that things aren’t right, that something is missing, and that it needs to be filled. Sometimes that may result in buying something you need (or whatever your coping mechanism may be). Sometimes recognizing it for what it is will suffice.
  • Recognize them for what they aren’t. They aren’t a sign that you are A) Going to hell; B) Abandoned by God; C) Just another cog in the great machine of American retail; D) A failure because you can’t control your impulses. Much like the body uses nerves to tell you when you are in pain, you mind may use these coping mechanisms to tell you that something is wrong. Don’t make it more than it is.
  • Recognize you for who you are. You are baptized. You are in Christ and Christ is in you. This is true whether you have goofy compulsions or not. This is true even though Satan may use these compulsions to lead you into sin.
  • Find someone to talk this through with you. This could be a counselor, but it could be your pastor or a friend. But don’t let this just fester inside you. That will not help.

Anyway, those are a few random thoughts on Cyber Monday. I think I’ll go check out what’s on sale at Amazon…

-DMR

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Depression


I can always tell when I’m getting over-stressed, depressed, or generally anxious about life. Why? Because I become obsessed about buying things. Sometimes they are things that we need as a family. Sometimes they are needed at church. Sometimes I just want them, good ole’ fashion covetousness.

Over the span of my illness I’ve found this as a returning theme. When things are out of control in my life, or I feel as though I’m losing a grip on reality, I find that buying stuff satisfies my compulsion for control, at least for a little while.

At the lowest point in my depression, I was spending money like Brad Pitt, buying whatever came to my mind whenever I wanted it. I always had a justification for it, because it helped my healing. Now insofar as having hobbies and distractions from everyday life is healthy (and it is), this whole process was and is a good thing, if kept in check. But it is when things to totally out of control that problems arise. Like massive credit card debt, allowing material things to serve as a barrier to those whom I love and tasks that I dread.

Add the grayness outside and the coming assault of winter, and you have a recipe for trouble.

Am I alone in this? I don’t think so. Given the rising credit card debt in our nation, and how depression means a void in fulfillment, this strikes me as a common problem afflicting Americans in general. We have the means to go 50k, 100k or more into debt quite easily, and I don’t mean by buying a house or a car.

So what do you do when you can tell the oncoming signs of coping mechanisms creeping their way in? Here’s a few tips.

  • Recognize them for what they are. This is your mind and body telling you that things aren’t right, that something is missing, and that it needs to be filled. Sometimes that may result in buying something you need (or whatever your coping mechanism may be). Sometimes recognizing it for what it is will suffice.
  • Recognize them for what they aren’t. They aren’t a sign that you are A) Going to hell; B) Abandoned by God; C) Just another cog in the great machine of American retail; D) A failure because you can’t control your impulses. Much like the body uses nerves to tell you when you are in pain, you mind may use these coping mechanisms to tell you that something is wrong. Don’t make it more than it is.
  • Recognize you for who you are. You are baptized. You are in Christ and Christ is in you. This is true whether you have goofy compulsions or not. This is true even though Satan may use these compulsions to lead you into sin.
  • Find someone to talk this through with you. This could be a counselor, but it could be your pastor or a friend. But don’t let this just fester inside you. That will not help.

Anyway, those are a few random thoughts on Cyber Monday. I think I’ll go check out what’s on sale at Amazon…

-DMR

The Eye Exam


It always amazes me what can set me off or make me a nervous crazy wreck. For the most part I’ve been doing well, busy with projects and continuing to ruminate on the book. But today I had a weird experience. I had an eye exam (hence I am four feet away from the monitor). This is really a pretty benign experience, but it left me a complete basket case. I was nervous, figity, fearful, and felt that the world was closing in on me. How is it that such a simple thing as an eye exam can set this off?

Last week I had a similar experience with a hospital call. It was routine as far as hospital calls go. The Sacrament, some hymns, the Gospel of healing to a hurting so. It’s all good. But it left me spent far more than I would expect from one hospital call. I was highly agitated afterwards, and it drove me bonkers.

Why is it that such simple things can be so very hard and take so long to recover from?

-DMR