A Day

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday was a day of great darkness and paranoia.  Anxiety, fear, anger even were the watchwords of today.  Today, it was completely different.  Yesterday I was embraced by my family and my congregation, and most especially by the death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

I don’t mean this in an abstract “think about Jesus” sort of way.  I mean by the Eucharist, the Lord’s Supper.  Our Lord binds Himself to me, forgives all my uncleanness, and draws me into His loving embrace.

One of the strangest changes of my move to California has been the shift in my view toward shut-ins.  I had wonderful shut-ins in Kenosha.  But visiting always created great anxiety in me.  Here, I look forward to them in a way I never did before.  This is a gift I did not expect.  The Eucharist is the lifeblood of the church.  God continues to teach me this.

“O Taste and see how gracious the Lord is; blessed is the man that trusteth in Him.” Psalm 34:8

Be at peace, brothers and sisters.

-DMR

Paranoia

This was a new one for me. Today I had some remarkable highs and lows. Highs of super productivity, and lows of not being able to get my head off of my desk.

But what was new today was paranoia.

I don’t remember experiencing this kind of paranoia before. It was as if everything and everyone was out to get me. I was looking into people’s eyes and saw anger and resentment. Closed doors meant plotting against me. Every look, every turned shoulder, every voice spoken that wasn’t abject praise I heard as loathing. And praise was manipulation.

I am a pariah. I am a leper who is unworthy to be in the presence of anyone. My touch is death, and so one and all plot to destroy me.

Paranoia.

I can’t really say I’m a fan of this twist.

I know that this is not true. I know that I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me. I know that God is merciful and that He will never abandon me to such depths, but that He travels with me through the valley of the shadow of death.

But it feels so real. So terribly, terribly real.

The hand of a friend is peace. A hug from one who cares is comfort. The love of my beloved is hope.

Even in paranoia, we are all incarnational. It is only in flesh and blood, real humanity that does not shrink from the chaos, only in that flesh and blood can healing begin.

Never underestimate the power of your humanity. It may not seem like much, but that moment of contact with the sufferer may be all that is between them and the abyss.

Time to go pray Psalm 46 and go to sleep.

Be at peace, dear brothers and sisters.

-DMR

Hello, Old Friend

How I have missed you so. It has been so boring around here, without your chill wind that leaves me cold and empty. What would I do without your amazing way to turn everything good into evil? What would life be like without second guessing every decision, and turning everything I say and do against me.?

Do you remember that time when you almost had me convinced that you were all there is? Depression, you are really sneaky that way. It’s almost as if you want to be my god. I’m afraid that position has already been filled, but you’re welcome to root around for a while and see what dirt you can dig up. You are good at that, I’ll grant you.

I also really appreciate how you take all of those people closest to me and twist everything around. You have a real skill at making me question everything I hold to be true. That is just awesome.

So, welcome back. Please don’t take this wrong if I say I hope you don’t stay long.

-DMR

PS you know I’m being sarcastic, right? I want you to go away, now.