Signs its time to go back on medication

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As I indicated in my last post, I will be going back on my anti-depressants very shortly. This is a good thing. I have sort of created a fortress around myself with the thought/dream/hope that I would never have to take medication again. Stupid. It’s just a pill. It’s not like I’m tying myself to a life of misery or whatever. Anyway, it is amazing how we can create these barriers to health and healing.

Here are a few of the signs that I have seen in myself that are telling me I need to do this. What do you think?

1. Longing for food and drink. There’s nothing magical about this. My brain wants stimulation. Something isn’t working. So it is sending out signals to my body: DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL. So I have been eating like there will be a famine tomorrow, and drinking like it’s January 1920. I’ve always had a problem with moderation in food and drink, but this is really getting crazy. Irrational. Almost instinctive. I can sit outside my brain and look at my behavior and say STOP THAT, but I can’t. It’s really making me nuts.

2. Excessive computer time. I’m a techno-geek in the best of circumstances, but there comes a time when computer usage is no longer serving to actually work or even play, and moves into simple avoidance of human interaction. I’m well past that point right now.

3. The ongoing specter of dread. Dread is one of those words that in my mind best describes my depression. Dread for me means the perpetual feeling that disaster will strike at any instant, that it is inevitable, and that I might as well just accept it. It’s not true. I know it’s not true. But the feeling is always there, and is only getting worse.

4. Always tired. I just want to sleep. Always. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to move. I certainly don’t want to talk to people, even my family. I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.

5. Avoidance of conflict. Pastors almost by definition have to deal with conflict. It comes with the territory. I, like most people, don’t like conflict. We all have to weigh the dislike of conflict with the need to actually resolve situations, even difficult ones. When I tip the scales toward being willing to put up with horrible circumstances rather than have a simple conversation, that’s a sign that things aren’t working right.

6. Prayer becomes more of a cross than usual. I envy pastors that seem to pray easily. They love it and rejoice in it. I want that. I really do. In normal circumstances, I have a relatively structured prayer life, thanks in part to our school. But when things are starting to go south for me mentally, I avoid prayer like it is talking to an axe murderer. I just don’t want to do it. Even though I know it is for my benefit. Even though I know that I will feel better afterwards. I just don’t. Blech.

Anyway, that’s a first crack at self-evaluation. What do you think of this list? What are your signs that things aren’t going well for you?

8 thoughts on “Signs its time to go back on medication”

  1. I do believe all the signs you noted are signs you need to be on the
    antidepressants again. I think of all of us long term sufferers of depression
    or any mental ailment hope someday to not need those medications
    anymore. However, given much scientific research regarding how these medications regulate neurotransmitters we know we cannot do this on
    our own, I believe we must now try in our hearts to believe this is an illness no different than diabetes or any illness that requires medication
    to regulate some system of our body.

    Thus it is no failure to be on medication for depression; just as it is no failure to be on medication for diabetes, blood pessure, or heart conditions .

    Perhaps we might come to the conclusion for our best interest we should be permanently or long term on such antidepressants to avoild relapses
    in the condition.

    My prayers go with you, Pastor , and may he return of medications
    in your life help with the typical symptoms of depresion, avoidance of
    people at all costs, always wanting to lay in be etc.
    You MOST CERTAINLY need to take them again.

    Mary.

  2. I do believe all the signs you noted are signs you need to be on the
    antidepressants again. I think of all of us long term sufferers of depression
    or any mental ailment hope someday to not need those medications
    anymore. However, given much scientific research regarding how these medications regulate neurotransmitters we know we cannot do this on
    our own, I believe we must now try in our hearts to believe this is an illness no different than diabetes or any illness that requires medication
    to regulate some system of our body.

    Thus it is no failure to be on medication for depression; just as it is no failure to be on medication for diabetes, blood pessure, or heart conditions .

    Perhaps we might come to the conclusion for our best interest we should be permanently or long term on such antidepressants to avoild relapses
    in the condition.

    My prayers go with you, Pastor , and may he return of medications
    in your life help with the typical symptoms of depresion, avoidance of
    people at all costs, always wanting to lay in be etc.
    You MOST CERTAINLY need to take them again.

    Mary.

  3. (With corrected website) Came across through a link from another blog I read. I completely understand what you are going through. For various personal reasons I have found myself struggling with depression. I am not on medication. However, I completely identify with all six “signs” on your list.

  4. (With corrected website) Came across through a link from another blog I read. I completely understand what you are going through. For various personal reasons I have found myself struggling with depression. I am not on medication. However, I completely identify with all six “signs” on your list.

  5. Some of those signs are in my life right now, too……I keep thinking it is simply because winter has gone on SO long. I need to be outside, without heavy winter clothes, in warm sunshine.

    This morning in church, you came to mind…..we were singing LSB #746, “Through Jesus’ Blood and Merit”…….in verse 1: “…..what then can daunt my spirit, however DARK MY ROAD”. Perhaps you chose your blog’s name from the words of that hymn.

  6. Some of those signs are in my life right now, too……I keep thinking it is simply because winter has gone on SO long. I need to be outside, without heavy winter clothes, in warm sunshine.

    This morning in church, you came to mind…..we were singing LSB #746, “Through Jesus’ Blood and Merit”…….in verse 1: “…..what then can daunt my spirit, however DARK MY ROAD”. Perhaps you chose your blog’s name from the words of that hymn.

  7. Yesterday, I experienced a ‘break in the dam.’ I’d been having a couple months of “William Cowper” days . My “Spurgeon” (my dear, loving husband), very mercifully took charge and kindly helped me during this “crevasse.” Depression is a frequent nemesis: (a side-effect of Fibromyalgia, genetics, and the Fall). So, he got me up (no easy task) & and settled me in for a time at our local Forza (coffee shop) for a measure of respite & renewal (I’d been in bed for about 3 weeks, at first because of pain and then because of the added depression). I am on two anti-depressant medications (one in the am, one in the pm) and was struggling with them – in the sense of not wanting to ‘rely on pills.’ Boy has this post been helpful to me!! Not to mention timely. I find it so hard to communicate what I am going through; especially since I don’t understand What I am feeling. Your post has been especially helpful in articulating what it is like. I felt it was so supportive of ‘how things are’ for me, often. I shared it with my husband (who is my earthly ‘rock’) to help him have a sense of what I go through. THANK YOU!
    In His Grip, HveHope
    *a reference to one of John Piper’s (tremendously helpful) books: The Hidden Smile of God: The fruit of affliction in the lives of John Bunyan, William Cowper, and David Brainerd.

  8. Yesterday, I experienced a ‘break in the dam.’ I’d been having a couple months of “William Cowper” days . My “Spurgeon” (my dear, loving husband), very mercifully took charge and kindly helped me during this “crevasse.” Depression is a frequent nemesis: (a side-effect of Fibromyalgia, genetics, and the Fall). So, he got me up (no easy task) & and settled me in for a time at our local Forza (coffee shop) for a measure of respite & renewal (I’d been in bed for about 3 weeks, at first because of pain and then because of the added depression). I am on two anti-depressant medications (one in the am, one in the pm) and was struggling with them – in the sense of not wanting to ‘rely on pills.’ Boy has this post been helpful to me!! Not to mention timely. I find it so hard to communicate what I am going through; especially since I don’t understand What I am feeling. Your post has been especially helpful in articulating what it is like. I felt it was so supportive of ‘how things are’ for me, often. I shared it with my husband (who is my earthly ‘rock’) to help him have a sense of what I go through. THANK YOU!
    In His Grip, HveHope
    *a reference to one of John Piper’s (tremendously helpful) books: The Hidden Smile of God: The fruit of affliction in the lives of John Bunyan, William Cowper, and David Brainerd.

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